


J2157

by SinPark



Series: Multi-Fandom One-Shots [10]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 1.5k words of Chan being sad, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bang Chan-centric, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Inner Dialogue, Insecurity, Internal Conflict, Loneliness, Low key paranoia?, Overthinking, Sad, Sad Bang Chan, Sad Ending, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:47:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27429661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinPark/pseuds/SinPark
Summary: [J] - Chan sealed his lips together for the fourth time that day. He longed to speak out, ask the boys on the sofa to look at him the way they looked at each other.[2] - His mind flashed back to several months before, when Jisung excused himself from the last few promotional activities for Levanter and the ISAC event.[1] - Chan scoffed, criticizing his inner monologue. He sounded like a desperate child.[5] - Bile rose up in his throat like bubbling lava, burning through him from the inside out.[7] - Chan couldn’t bring himself to leave his bed in search of food, or affection, or anything else he silently prayed for.Chan is the single most desperate person in the universe. He sees it in himself, and he knows others can, too.
Series: Multi-Fandom One-Shots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1058783
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	J2157

**Author's Note:**

> This is just Chan overthinking everything, and his thoughts get less healthy as the story goes on.

**[J]**

Chan sealed his lips together for the fourth time that day. He longed to speak out, ask the boys on the sofa to look at him the way they looked at each other. Hopelessness dried on his lips.

 _I know better,_ he chewed himself out. _They need time together on their own. It’s good for them to have things that they do without me._

He passed by Felix, Jeongin, Hyunjin, and Minho on the couch, all playing Among Us, greeting him as he went. He smiled back, satisfied with how real it seemed, hating himself more with each step towards his bed. He despised himself for being so overbearing and needy with them. A sigh left his chest; he deflated, removing his coat and hanging it up in the wardrobe.

 _What makes me feel so entitled to them?_ Chan’s brows furrowed. _What gives me any right to their attention? I shouldn’t feel the need to be involved in every little thing._

With a shake of his head, he changed into more comfortable clothes, a pair of gray sweats and a loose-hanging black t-shirt. His face contorted into something between a pout and a scowl, a familiar restless energy settling onto his shoulders like plates of steel armor. He had run out of things to do with himself. He’d already been to the gym once, and what was the point in going again when Changbin was too busy out shopping with Seungmin and Jisung to go with him? He ran over the day’s schedule in his mind.

_Woke up late, waited until after noon to eat so I could sit with the others. Went to the gym, alone. Two hours. Came home, almost everyone was gone, work and such. Just me, Jisung, and Minho here. Showered. 5:30 I left for the studio to work on tracks. Jisung said he wasn’t up for it tonight. An hour later, he went out with Changbin and Seungmin. I checked in with them around 8:00 to see if anyone wanted to get dinner, or see a movie, or dance for all I care. Jeongin and Hyunjin said they were playing games. No one else responded. Got home five or ten minutes ago, about 10:20._

Red hair fell in front of his lashes as he leaned back onto the pillows on his bed. He loathed himself for always interpreting things this way, as though nobody valued him, only cared for him when he could be useful in some way - the successful son, admirable big brother, friend to confide in, somebody to trust, the ever-reliable leader. The thought of himself gave him the urge to gag.

 _I give so much, and still, I always make it about me, even when it’s got_ nothing _to do with me… All I do is pester them. In trying to help, I only get over-involved, and they know it’s because I’m clingy. I’m like a fucking dog, I need 24/7 attention. They do not need me around. I could be so distant and they’d never think anything of it. I know they care, but they also care about each other._

**[2]**

His mind flashed back to several months before, when Jisung excused himself from the last few promotional activities for Levanter and the ISAC event. Chan wasn’t the first person he’d talked to about his anxiety, or even the second or third. Of course, Chan knew he had it, but it was Changbin, Felix, and Hyunjin who Jisung spoke to first about getting overwhelmed. Chan’s heart panged at the memory, wishing he understood.

_Does he trust them more? Does he trust me at all?_

The one thing Chan took the most pride in was being a source of comfort for the members, but after all the issues during the second half of 2019, he felt as though he had failed the group. They began to cling less to him and more to one another. He felt himself slowly but surely drift apart from the boys he held too dear to put into words. A tear formed in his left eye, so he turned his head up and blinked it back.

_I just wish they liked being around me as much as I need to be close to them…_

He considered going back into the living room and asking if he could play, but knew he’d already bothered them several times in the past few hours. Multiple texts, check-ins, asking them if they wanted to do anything. If they had, they would have invited him. But they didn’t, which meant they didn’t actively want him there.

_Why do I have to be so fucking annoying? Like I’m an adult, there is no excuse for me to be this needy. They don’t need somebody to constantly be up their asses over every little thing. I want them to want me around, to want to be in my company, want to talk to me about everything and nothing._

**[1]**

Chan scoffed, criticizing his inner monologue. He sounded like a desperate child. He knew he was a leech, taking all they would give him and still sucking more life out of them after they’d grown annoyed. Still, it was a leech’s nature not to stop until they were full, and Chan was a black hole, the largest humanity would likely ever discover.

Another huff escaped him, as he realized he skipped dinner. He fantasized about a different reality, one where he would leave this tiny room he shared with three other people, and walk into the kitchen to find a meal already prepared, one of those mates thoughtful enough to set aside a plate for him. It wasn’t that Chan deserved it, only that he craved it. He thirsted for every drop of consideration the boys would give him, whether they were from miniscule acts such as handing him his phone or holding a door open, or more difficult things like staying late to work, or bringing him food. While both kinds of actions varied in the amount of effort they required, they were each equally as significant to Chan’s mind.

He was starving, for sustenance and for comfort. He would take anything, from a simple pat on the back to fingers running through his unruly curls, to all their focus directed toward him. He knew in his soul that the latter would only occur if he confessed his internal struggle, which was a risk he simply couldn’t afford. Of course they all saw him as high maintenance after so many years together, but he would go to whatever lengths necessary to hide the true extent of his desperation, his longing for them.

**[5]**

Bile rose up in his throat like bubbling lava, burning through him from the inside out. It was pathetic, just how much he relied on other people’s reactions to assess his own personal worth. If Minho didn’t care to spend time with him, it translated to “You aren’t worthy of my time.” If Felix refused to provide physical affection, Chan heard “Why would I touch someone like you when I could have anyone else?” When Hyunjin sought comfort from Seungmin instead of him, he heard, “He’s just better than you.”

_It’s all true at the very core of things. I am not worthy, of any of them. The fact that I am fortunate enough to have met them at all is either a miracle or a mistake. Maybe both. Perhaps it will be the single best thing that will ever happen for me, yet also the biggest annoyance for everyone else. They are such intricate, talented, unique beings, inside and out. Me? I’m just a black hole. I suck them dry, and have the audacity to think about asking for more on top of everything they’ve given me, which I already don’t deserve. I never have deserved them. I never will._

He knew the eight of them coming together was an astronomical coincidence, an accident of outstanding magnitude. Their bond, his bond with all of them, was Chan’s personal Big Bang Theory. They mixed together with him to create a whole universe out of nothing more than a handful of particles that somehow existed in the same plane, at the same time. Together, they were a masterpiece; a beautiful, wretched, infected anomaly.

**[7]**

Chan couldn’t bring himself to leave his bed in search of food, or affection, or anything else he silently prayed for. Instead, he stared at the boards of the empty bed above him, wondering if when Hyunjin came in to sleep, he would stop to look at his leader first, and possibly notice the tragedy that was his existence. Chan yearned for answers, to know what more he could possibly do to earn the love that might satiate the clawing desperation inside of him. He shut his eyes and grimaced at the idea.

_I shouldn’t think like that. I shouldn’t pretend I’ll ever have these things which I want, but don’t justify possessing. I don’t warrant their affection, their easement, their consolation. Hell, they don’t deserve a friend, much worse a leader, who is stuck in his room wallowing over things that were never meant for him. It should come as no surprise that I was purely never destined to attain the rewards only genuinely great people can achieve. I am not great, after all. I can never be their equal, therefore I can never deserve all that they do. It is a mere fact of life, and I shouldn’t throw such a pity party trying to accept it._

As one more heavy breath fell from his lips, Chan allowed sleep to overtake him. The lamp in the corner remained on, illuminating the room in a musky yellow light, though Chan could not be bothered to cross the room to switch it off. Rather, he let his eyes fall closed, and lay back further. Still above the covers, his breaths evened out.

_Maybe this is the most peace I will get._

**Author's Note:**

> Title is the name of the largest known black hole in the universe.


End file.
